News : CDRC in the News

November 28th, 2008

By Judy Saul

Originally printed in the Ithaca Journal, November 28, 2008

We should be thankful for conflict? How does that make any sense? We're usually thankful for all that is good about our lives. Conflict isn't on that list. Instead, we think of conflict as a thing to be avoided or managed or worked through as quickly as possible. Yet I'm suggesting that conflict is also something to be thankful for.

Realizing that this might sound odd, I decided to see what others thought. I began asking people to comment on conflict and the ways in which it's been helpful. I promised anonymity, so I've incorporated the things that people had to say in the thoughts that follow.

The responses were rich and varied and completely supported my hypothesis, after people got over their shock at being asked this question. Each person's initial response was one of disbelief, some variation of: "Huh? Conflict as helpful?" But after thinking for a moment, they found it easy to talk about a way that conflict promoted growth and change. Though growth and change are not always easy or pleasant, they are ultimately helpful, and thus the conflict that causes them is something to be thankful for.

First and foremost, conflict strengthens us. We think we know who we are and what we stand for. Then conflict comes along and tests those boundaries. It shows us that others see things differently. It gives us a chance to re-evaluate our sense of self, our sense of others and our sense of particular situations as we compare our perspective and that of others. This testing results in our boundaries being changed or strengthened, building our character through that process.

Conflict shows us what matters. Our values are clarified as we work through conflict and determine where we'll compromise and where we won't. It also helps us set priorities, deciding which fights to fight and which to let go.

Conflict teaches us to be more articulate. Our desire to win an argument develops our ability to think logically and apply reason to what may have been an emotional response. We may think we're being clear until, through conflict, we learn that others didn't hear what we thought we were saying. This teaches us to speak more clearly about how we feel and what we need. Conflict makes us aware of our own communication style in relation to others. It provides an opportunity for us to change the way we communicate to maximize the possibility that we will be heard.

Conflict teaches us about differences. It makes us more aware of and more sensitive to them. Many of us are threatened by difference and work to hide our prejudices. Our initial reaction is to deny our prejudices and defend ourselves. But conflict forces thoughts and ideas to the surface. Once they're articulated, we have a chance to reconsider our prejudices and confront our differences honestly.

Though we usually think about conflict as a force that divides us, it often brings us together. Conflict increases our understanding of others because it forces us to consider their point of view. It can even create intimacy. Once we disagree with someone, we get a better sense of who they are. Do they fight fair or not? How willing are they to listen? How do they respond to our attempts to talk through disagreements? Where are they strong and where are they vulnerable? This process deepens those relationships that we choose to keep.

Finally, conflict can be an important signal that something is not right. This is true not only in relationships but in organizations, workplaces and communities. It then provides an opportunity for problems to be addressed.

The Community Dispute Resolution Center is committed to ensuring that conflict helps rather than harms by teaching skills and providing processes that improve communication, enhance decision making and allow us to respond constructively to the conflicts we face. So this holiday season, as you're remembering all that you are thankful for, include conflict on your list of blessings.